Woman who tried to conceive for nine years says she is now happy to be childless - and claims her marriage is stronger than ever

Nina Steele, 39, started trying for children with husband Robert Steele, 49, they thought it was just a natural part of life. later the couple, from Morden, London, discovered Robert suffers from a rare medical condition making him infertile. They tried surgery, IVF and artificial insemination but after nine years of 'chasing a dream', Nina decided she was happy to be child-free.

She tells FEMAIL how she changed her mind and made her relationship stronger - and how she sent up a website called www.nonparents.com for other women in a similar position.

She explain:

I never doubted for a second that I would become a mother. In fact, I assumed that I would get pregnant quite easily. 

I had regular periods and had always been fit and healthy. My husband too was fit and healthy. 

What could possibly go wrong?

So in 2004, three years after getting married, we set out to start a family. 

I was 29, he was 38. I was so confident of our success, I didn’t wait to become pregnant before starting the search for a potential name for our soon to be newborn. 

I wanted a girl and my husband didn’t mind either way. Growing up the only girl in a family of seven children, influenced my choice.

We both agreed on Ella as a first name. She would have my mother’s name as her middle name. In case the universe had other ideas and we ended up with a boy, Zac was a possible option, with Robert, my husband’s name as his middle name.

As it turned out, we found out after a few years of trying that my husband was infertile. 

He is part of the one per cent of men who suffer from a rare medical condition called Azoospermia.

In layman’s term, being azoospermic means that a man is unable to produce sperm. 

As part of our IVF treatment, the doctors had hoped that sperm could be obtained via surgery. In the end, it wasn’t to be.

We briefly considered adoption. However, we were unimpressed when we learnt that any child we ended up adopting would still have to keep in contact with her biological parents, regardless of the reason why she was put up for adoption in the first place. 

That I found difficult to stomach. How much more damage was the system willing to inflict on an already damaged child?

We both agreed that adoption wasn’t for us. Our last throw of the dice was to try artificial insemination with donor sperm. 

The donor we were matched with had a high success rate and naturally, our hopes were very high.

When that too failed, we decided enough was enough.

It is strange how one can go from wanting something badly one minute to making a complete switch the other. 

My husband was never that keen on having children to begin with, and so the decision to stop trying was mainly mine. 

Procrastination has never been my thing. Once my mind is made up about something that is it.

So within a few weeks, I went from wanting children, to being upset with myself for spending nine years of my life chasing a dream, instead of being grateful for the life that I already had. 

Gradually, anger turned to joy. The joy that unlike many couples who go through infertility, our relationship had got stronger, not the other way round.

I found myself loving my husband more and more. 

I suppose the very thought that he could be feeling guilt for being the reason why we couldn’t have children, had awaken in me the sort of empathy that comes with true love. 

I also strongly believe in treating others the way we ourselves would want to be treated. I would have expected nothing less had I been the infertile one in our relationship.

Needless to say, our marriage has gone from strength to strength. 

I believe that not all paths are meant to include children. This is the path that was meant for us, and to keep fighting it, would have only led to us being unhappy.

In my experience both personally and through my website Nonparents.com, I've come to realise that most of the people who never come to terms with childlessness, often do so because they spend their time comparing their lives with that of those around them. 

If no one around them had children, they would not mind so much. It is a case of not wanting to be the odd want out.

As I grow older, there is nothing I dislike more than to compare my life with that of other people.

That is because I am wise enough to understand that it is the quickest way to unhappiness. I wish others would understand that too.

We have a roof above our heads, are both still fit and healthy, have enough money to live well - how can we not be happy?

I can say without doubt that being childless has been a gift for us. 

For not only has it made our marriage stronger, but it has also given us the chance to focus on our personal growth in ways that people with children often don’t have the opportunity to do.

It is not an exaggeration to say that we can no longer imagine our lives being any other way